17. On The Other Hand

Throughout our lives, we second-guess our first impulse to do things. We constantly throw doubt into what otherwise might be a perfect answer to a problem. The phrase, “on the second thought” or “on the other hand” has destroyed man dreams.

“On second thought” can create doubt and confusion when we are trying to be positive. It feeds a negative thought into our computer which could cause a change of mind – ending in disaster.

There once was a television sitcom whose lawyer always would present a different point of view about an otherwise perfect crime that had been committed. The object of this strategy was to place doubt in the juror’s minds – that it could have happened in a different way than it had been presented in different way than it had been presented in court.

As strong as the evidence was to prove the victim guilty or innocent of the crime, the situation became unsure as soon as “on the other hand,” “on second thought” was injected. That’s the way it is with most of us when we make decisions.

We first act upon a strong impulse that it is a correct and wise decision, but before long, we’re saying to ourselves, “on the other hand,” “on second thought,” or “what if.” We present ourselves with another point of view which is generally a negative.

If an “on the other hand” situation occurs and it is negative, I believe that’s the devil’s tool to create doubt in your mind. If an “on the other hand” is along the same lines as your original thought, adding positive rather than negative ideas, then I suggest you entertain such ideas.

It is only when “on the other hand” presents a totally negative thought about your idea that it should be canceled immediately. Those thoughts generally destroy you.

We spend so much time thinking about “on the other hand” that we lose the enthusiasm we first had when the idea emerged new and fresh in our minds. Here’s an example: If a person does something for you, your first inclination is to take the gift and enjoy it, free from any conditions. As soon as your mind begins to say to you, “On second thought, why is this person giving me a gift? What does he want from me for this gift?”

Soon the gift becomes entangled with motives, and the meaning and joy diminishes to the point of perhaps returning the gift with excuses such as “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” of “It’s too expensive!”

The main problem is that you allowed the joy to be taken from you by the “on the other hand”syndrome. We must learn not to destroy a friendship, a relationship, a marriage, a business or a lifestyle through our “on the other hand” thinking.

This syndrome can work against you. When the “on the other hand” presents doubt, you will perceive that relationship very cautiously. You will love conditionally. You will become suspicious and jealous because you are unsure.

You will not be able to love unconditionally, and consequently, will not be able to get the full, wholesome value of a loving and meaningful relationship. Everything you do, every act you take, will be based upon the “on the other hand” syndrome.

It will command you to proceed cautiously. “Do not give your all,” “Do not love totally.” Most of the time, you base these “on the other hand” situations on your past experiences and hurts. You judge the other person’s motives, based upon their past actions, thus never really forgiving or forgetting the past.

You must totally free yourself from what used to be or what should be. What matters is what’s happening now, today. Only then will you be able to receive with great freedom and anticipation, not worrying about the motivation or a situation, but only the end result.

Until you rid yourself of the “on the other hand” syndrome, you will never be able to forgive. It is true you can never forget, but you can forgive.

When you forgive totally, you look at the situation through a different eye. You don’t necessarily forget what you are forgiving, but when you think about it, the hurt no longer bothers you.

You think about the problem with a clear conscience and a loving heart. You no longer become uptight. You must first learn to forgive. Don’t worry that you can’t forget, because that tape recorder in your life has been running and recording since birth. It can recall through its memory banks every hurt and emotion. It is good that we don’t forget. There are good memories and good experiences you never want to forget.

The bad experiences, once forgiven, actually become good experiences because you have learned from them. Forgiving allows us to recycle that bad situation or hurt. It filters the pain, then presents it as a cleaning, conditioning fact to help you.

Ask yourself the question, “If I had done this to someone else, would I forgive myself?” This sometimes makes it easier to forgive others.

If I am basing my “on the other hand” syndrome on someone’s past, I have to base it on mine, because I used to be different than I am today. I must allow that person to be different than they were before.

Do I want someone to believe and trust in me for who and what I am today, or judge me on what I used to be? The answer is apparent. We all need to be forgiven and given a new chance, – free from the attachment and stigma of the past.

Yesterdays don’t count anymore, and since I don’t believe in fortune tellers, tomorrow cannot be predicted. We cannot judge a person on what they will turn out to be, based on what they used to be. We can only judge them on what they are now! When we do that, we free ourselves of negative thoughts about each other.

We no longer try to determine why a person is doing what he’s doing. We should enjoy being the recipient of someone’s love, regardless of what that person’s motive might be.

It becomes the other person’s problem if their motives are insincere or conniving. You simply enjoy that moment of good feeling and pleasure, for now, because that is all that matters.

As soon as you allow “on the other hand” to come into the situation, you lose the joy. You don’t respond totally. You begin to act cautiously with a different attitude, thus presenting an unrelaxed atmosphere. This causes a conditional, reciprocal situation, which generally ends up in separation of an otherwise loving relationship.

You now know how to love unconditionally. Remove the “on the other hands,” or “second thoughts” and enjoy life and love for the moment. That is all we’ve got!

We learn not to be jealous or insecure in our relationships when we love in the “now.” That worry comes from “on the other hand,” or “what ifs.” Here’s an example: “What if I am not his or her best friend?” “What if he’s just using me?”

Please understand that everybody “uses” someone else every day of our lives. We use each other’s talents, knowledge, love, emotions, every day. There is nothing wrong with that. So what if you feel used?

To me, it is great to be used, to have acquired something that someone else can use that only I have. That makes me “special.” We feel wrongly used when we will not share this freely. When we do, we should feel glad that we are used – to give life to someone else.

You can use a talent, but you cannot take the talent. Today you are used – yesterday, you were abused. There is a difference. Abused is when a person destroys you at the same time they use you.

A good thing to remember is that we must forgive those who abuse us. We must recondition that abuse and use it, again and again. In other words, don’t be afraid to love again and live again.

Do not base your love on past experiences, but learn and love even harder. Do not deny yourself good feelings, good things, achievements and prosperity because of your own “on the other hand” syndrome.

Success only come to people who are willing to be used and sometimes abused, but who bounce back with an even more determined outlook to “do it again.” Love for today and forgive now.

Forget yesterday. Think of today. Remember past experiences. Cling to the good things. “On the other hand,” cling to your first thoughts and forget your “second thoughts.”